Understanding Purity Culture and its Impact
If you have been negatively impacted by purity culture, and feel that therapy could be a helpful tool in healing from these impacts, reach out to us here to schedule a free consultation call.
Note: There are many generalizations in this post for sake of length. Every individual story of purity culture is different, but what I share here is what seems to be the most common or generalized experiences. I use gendered language to distinguish the differences in how those who are socialized as male or female often experience purity culture differently.
What is Purity Culture?
Purity culture is the term used to describe the pervasive subculture within evangelical and fundamentalist Christianity that is highly focused on sexual purity. It became an evangelical marketing tool in the 90s and early 2000s that led to a whirlwind of purity retreats, purity rings and pledges, and popular books on purity and courtship. If you yourself grew up in purity culture, you probably have memories of talks from your parents or from youth group leaders talking about the virtue of purity, and the importance of waiting until marriage to have sex. In these environments, there is often constant discussion around the value of sexual purity, and it is implied if not said directly that sexually pure women are more godly, desirable, and worthy. There is an expectation that boys have a high sex drive that must be suppressed, and that the girls need to help their male peers stay pure by dressing modestly and refraining from anything that could be tempting to them. Teens and young adults are encouraged to have accountability partners and often meet in small groups where they repent of any sexual thoughts or feelings. Same-sex attraction is considered an even worse sin, and those who have feelings for the same-sex often must hide those thoughts and feelings in order to protect themselves. While all sexual activity is discouraged, the concept of virginity is ultimately seen as being the most important thing to preserve, often leading people who subscribe to purity culture to end up eventually engaging sexually while still avoiding penetrative sex to be able to maintain their identity as a virgin.
The Impact of Repression
When people consistently repress their sexual thoughts and feelings, they learn over time that their bodies and desires are wrong. They learn that these feelings are proof of their own sinfulness, and that if they can suppress them, it will be proof of greater holiness. When they’re not able to fully shut down their desires, there can be a sense of deep shame and failure, leading to a pervasive negative sense of self. It can also lead the person to begin to disconnect from their body to try to better repress their sexuality. Science has shown us that when we disconnect from our body, we are more likely to experience mental and physical health issues and have less awareness of our emotional and physical needs. It also can cause lifelong issues with sex even after someone is in a long-term partnership or marriage, where they continue to associate sexual thoughts and feelings with shame and unworthiness, causing difficulty with connection or with being able to experience sexual pleasure. It is very common for people who have gone through purity culture to have experiences of dissociation during sex, chronic pain or illness, or issues like vaginismus or erectile dysfunction.
The Impact on Healthy Development
In purity culture, healthy sexual and relational development is stifled. For example, masturbation and exploring your own body and what feels good to you is a normal and healthy part of sexual development that becomes rife with shame and repression within these spaces. When it comes to dating, there is an expectation that you shouldn’t date someone unless you believe you could marry them (or already plan to marry them even!). This leads to so much pressure, that it becomes fraught with anxiety and prayer over whether someone is “the one” before really even getting to know them. Because of that pressure, many people end up not dating at all. For those who do date, the pressure to stay pure can be so overwhelming, that otherwise happy, healthy couples will even break up over it, saying that because they “crossed lines” sexually it must mean they’re not mature enough to be together.
All of this leads to many adults who have experienced purity culture feeling like they missed out on aspects of development. I’ve had so many adult clients who feel like they end up re-experiencing their teen years in their 30s or 40s as they learn to date for the first time, or are just starting to explore their bodies or sexuality. Even for those who have been in partnerships or married, they will sometimes feel like they have to turn back the clock and re-figure out who they are sexually. People end up with heartbreaking stories of losing someone they loved over purity culture guilt, or on the flip side marrying someone they shouldn’t have because they felt like it was the only way to “right the wrong” of having had sex with them.
The Perpetuation of R*pe Culture & Patriarchal Ideals
Because there is an expectation of abstinence in purity culture, and a lack of sex education, conversations about consent are often non-existent. Teens in purity culture are not often taught how to ask for consent or to expect it, or how to have safe sex in general. There are so many women who grew up in purity culture who didn’t understand that they were sexually assaulted until years after it happened, because they didn’t realize that it could be considered sexual assault if they didn’t physically fight back or yell for help.
The narrative that boys are sexual creatures and unable to control their sexual urge inevitably ends up perpetuating r*pe culture. It can lead men to wrongly believe that they’re unable to control themselves, and it allows them to justify pressuring women into sexual activity or blaming them for being immodest. Similarly, women will often take on the shame of feeling like it was somehow their fault for not knowing how to stop things. I’ve experienced many clients even feeling like they’re sinning or in the wrong somehow if a male is even attracted to them, because it could mean they’re tempting them or “asking for it.” Even after being married, many women feel like their body belongs to their husband and that they shouldn’t say no to sex. Women feel like their job in sex is to please their husband, rather than a mutual give and take.
We All Want to Belong
In an effort to belong, we all tend to figure out what the rules are for being able to fit in with the group, and to be accepted and loved. I genuinely feel for boys growing up in purity culture who, on the one hand, have to come across as wanting sex all the time and finding girls attractive in order to be seen as “manly”, while also expressing guilt over their desires, and blamed for being a bad leader if they don’t stop things from going too far. Just like the patriarchal ideas in purity culture become an excuse for some men, for others they become a source of deep shame and confusion. The contrast exists for girls too. Girls who have a certain body type, style of clothing, or way of interacting may be shamed as being slutty or flirtatious and even called out by youth leaders telling them to change their clothes or talk less with boys. On the flip side, girls are also expected to try to be feminine and desirable so that they can find a husband someday. And of course, many girls are made fun of for being prudes if they avoid the topic altogether. The impossible and narrow standards ultimately lead to so many people feeling left out and like they don’t belong, and blaming themselves for it.
Crisis of Identity
One of the greatest losses of purity culture is the loss of being able to connect to part of who you are. Our sexuality is a part of our identity. Who we’re attracted to, what we enjoy, and our own sense of empowerment and personal values help create our sense of self. Purity culture often leads to hiding, isolation, and shame. It keeps us disconnected from ourselves and others. The hyperfocus on sexual purity means that people’s entire sexual identity becomes whether they’re a virgin, instead of being able to connect to the multi-faceted aspects of being a sexual being. I’ve met so many people who feel like even though they followed all the rules, there is now deep disappointed that purity culture never gave them the marriage or family they were promised.
There is also so much more I could say about how intertwined gender roles are in all this, and the pressure to fit into the box of your assigned gender. For anyone who grows up in this environment, many aspects of identity are often repressed because they do not line up with expectations of gender (e.g. boys are not emotional, or girls should be quiet and submissive). For those who fall somewhere on the LGBTQ+ spectrum who lives through purity culture, there is deep pain, hurt, and trauma from how they were typically treated and the ways they hide to hide.
Conclusion & Resources
I would never claim that our culture has healthy sexuality figured out either, but what I always come back to is that both religion and popular culture are two sides of the same coin. They both tend to overly fixate on sex, and view women’s worth through the lens of sex (either as pure or as sexually desirable). Rather than choosing two sides of that coin, I hope we can move towards a different paradigm altogether where we are all honor each other’s full humanity, worthiness, and autonomy, with their sexuality included as part of that. It can be a long process to deconstruct what purity culture has taught you about who you are and what gives you your worth, but on the other side of it there is often freedom and empowerment in being our full selves.
If you want to explore this topic more on your own, click here for some resources I’ve found beneficial. If you feel stuck, meeting with a therapist who understands the impact of purity culture can be another helpful place to start.
