Broken Boundaries in the Name of God
When Others Don’t Understand
Re-evaluating or deconstructing long-held beliefs can really alarm people who are still immersed in the systems you might have left or are actively questioning, and in a lot of ways this makes sense.
For them, the container they exist in envelopes them in comfort and safety. Because of that, they might not be able to see that the same container which holds them tight in security is crushing, constraining, and suffocating others. It’s like if someone really loved flowers and wanted to share them with you, but you are allergic. What one person sees as gift, another experiences as threat. This doesn’t make either experience more true but it does mean one person is being put in danger. In order to stay well, the person who is allergic needs to, at the very least, limit their exposure to the toxin.
But what if the giver of flowers added “God told me to give you these flowers.” Things get very confusing. God knows flowers would make you sick. Then Is it right to sacrifice your wellness for the sake of something that is a gift from God? In the confusion you may begin to question your own body’s warnings and call it “your flesh” or your “sinful nature” as you try to force yourself to receive the gift. But any gift that makes you sick is not a gift at all, even if it's wrapped in an alluring package.
Basically, the tendency to invoke the name of God overrides your ability to recognize and believe your body’s signals that a boundary is needed. The more this happens, the more disconnected from yourself you become, and therefore the more disconnected you become from others, and the world.
There are countless examples of boundaries being broken in the name of God:
Being coerced or forced to share intimate details of a physical relationship under the guise of accountability or confession.
Accountability means to be responsible for your own actions. If confessing or sharing details with someone is your choice because it helps you to take more responsibility for your own actions, that’s different than someone prying for details so that they can hold you accountable. In that case, the other person is assuming responsibility and authority for and over your behaviors rather than allowing you agency.
Being expected to attend every gathering because “we should not give up meeting together” and to not show up would mean that we are selfish, not committed, or undisciplined.
Humans really are wired to be with each other. We need each other. But humans also have limitations and sometimes in order to show up, we need to know when to not show up. In this example, scripture is used as a threat and a calling out of context. Hearing this consistently might cause someone to question their character whenever they notice their own limitations.
Being confronted with advice or “truth in love” without your invitation or permission because the other person sees this as their God given duty.
Just as physical intrusion without consent is damaging, emotional intrusion without consent is equally damaging. In any relationship it is important to create space in which both parties can give feedback and be honest with one another, but in this example one person assumes authority over another and uses God as a support to their intrusion.
Being told “God told me you need to…” without allowing space for your own discernment or disagreement.
This statement gives a person an incredible amount of power over another. If God told them, how can you argue that? To set a boundary with that person might feel like you are saying no to God. While people are free to believe in God’s communication with them, this has to be held in tension with another person’s autonomy, spirituality, and discernment. Otherwise, this is just control.
Being expected to serve without compensation or beyond your physical/mental capacity because you are “supposed to consider others’ needs as greater than your own.”
We can appreciate the notion of serving others while also respecting our own boundaries. I know that if I don’t respect my own limitations, I will not be able to serve the people in my life. I’ve noticed that in many Christian spaces, people are expected to go “above and beyond” because they are “working for God and not man” or because they need to be servant-hearted. Invoking the name of God in this way is plainly exploitative - this labor benefits the church while failing to actually tend to its people.
I often think that the people who don’t understand the road we are walking believe that breaking our boundaries is the most loving thing they could do for us because they are worried about our salvation (or a lot of times, theirs). Even still, you don’t have to be the sutures around someone else’s fear. Perhaps God gave us a swaddle of skin so that we could learn the loving dance between containment and exploration, the lines between us and someone else, the ability to close or open barriers based on what will nourish or harm us. Perhaps just because someone thinks God told them something doesn’t mean it is so – maybe God’s wisdom exists in the signals your body sends to you too.
“You do not have to be the sutures around someone else’s fear.”
The Damage of Broken Boundaries
A lack of boundaries is a breeding ground for abuse and exploitation. You can see this in the #churchtoo stories. If you start to believe that God wants you to be unwell for the sake of xyz, how do you know where the line is? How much of you will be disconnected or cut off for the sake of someone else’s need for you to comply? Not to mention, many people who find themselves in high control contexts are already coming from histories of trauma and abuse so the intrusions may feel familiar to them.
Reconnecting With Boundaries
When we feel like we aren’t allowed to have boundaries, it becomes almost impossible to feel safe in our bodies, with others, and in the world. We become vulnerable to abuse and poor treatment when we’ve been taught to make ourselves sick for the sake of someone else’s fear or power. So how can we reclaim the goodness of our boundaried selves? Peter Levine shares an exercise in his book “Healing Trauma” to help those who have disconnected from themselves, re-establish the boundaries of their bodies. Please do not try this exercise if you know it may overwhelm you or feel emotionally unsafe for you to try on your own. Start by trying this exercise while you are with another safe person.
Tapping Exercise (by Peter Levine)
The Goal of this exercise is to help you reconnect to your natural skin boundary enveloping and protecting you .
To start, find a place of comfort in which you feel held and supported - this might be on the floor with something supporting your back or a comfortable chair. Begin to notice your weight under you, the way the ground or the chair hold you in all of your places of contact.
Then, when you have a sense that you are well supported physically, you may move into the tapping exercise.
(All of the following steps are quoted directly from Peter Levine’s book Healing Trauma.)
Gently tap the palm of your left hand with the fingers of your right hand. Do this as many times as you need to get a sense of that part of your body.
Stop tapping, slow down, and notice any sensations in the palm of your hand. What do you feel? Do you feel tingly? Do you feel a vibration? Do you feel numb? Hot or cold? Just take a few moments to notice whatever you feel.
Now, look at your hand and say, “This is my hand, my hand belongs to me, my hand is part of me.” (You can use any words that seem right to help you get the idea of ownership of each part of yourself as belonging to a greater whole.)
Next, turn your hand over and begin tapping on the back of your hand. Again, notice any sensation. Follow the sensation for a moment, noticing how it changes. Use whatever words feel most appropriate to convey a sense of ownership.
Continue leading yourself through every part of your body: lower and upper arms, feet, calves, thighs, abdomen, upper torso, buttocks, back, neck, face, and head. Take as much time as you need.
Levine, 2008. Healing Trauma. Sounds True Inc., Boulder, CO.
