I am deconstructing and my partner isn’t…now what?
Now what?
Here's an invitation to start: take a nice slow breath, settle into a kind position for your body and all he/she/they are carrying, and let yourself know once again that you do not have to have all of the answers right now. Here are just some thoughts to keep you curious about what might be helpful for you in this time.
Firstly, this is a loaded question. I imagine if you are finding yourself here, you have A LOT happening in your body and mind. Deconstruction already has the potential to make you feel like you are living in pieces, trying to make sense of everything you thought you knew about yourself and the world around you. Now you are exploring yet another foundational part of your life experience – your romantic relationship. Sometimes these are things we need extra support to navigate. If this is you, we’d love to hear from you. Feel free to reach out for therapy or coaching with one of us here.
When partners make a commitment to one another within the context of a specific belief system, that belief system is often the foundation for the relationship. There are many circumstances in which people can end up in a committed partnership that no longer works for them as they deconstruct their former belief systems. There are also partnerships that can withstand the shift in foundational beliefs and may even flourish because of it. The important thing is that you and your partner get to navigate this and decide what is right for your specific relationship. Here are some suggestions for things to consider in your process.
*The language in this blog highlights relationships between two people because this is traditionally where people find themselves in the midst of deconstruction, but this can also extend to non-traditional forms of relationships.
1. Assess the Safety of the Partnership
Safety in a relationship means that you can engage in meaningful ways with your partner without consistent experiences of harm to your physical, psychological, social, emotional, and spiritual well-being. What feels safe for you, may not feel safe for someone else and vice versa.
Here are some basic things to look for to assess safety in your relationship:
There is no ongoing physical, emotional, or psychological abuse
You can communicate openly and honestly with your partner, even if you disagree
You and your partner are committed to not changing or controlling one another, especially around beliefs
You can implement and respect each other's boundaries
The security of the relationship is not weaponized based on where you end up with your beliefs
2. Focus on what you still share in common
During a deconstruction or deconversion process it can be easy to focus on what has changed because SO much has! What can be helpful for partners is to remember to focus on those things that have not changed as a result of faith shifts. Have you always enjoyed walks together? Do you have a shared interest outside of faith? Much like in individuals when they've been taught their entire identity is in Christ, when beliefs shift in couples, it can feel like your "couple identity" is lost too.
Taking time to explore what you still share in common can help you create a new foundation for connection and couple identity:
Concepts of past shared faith that still align for both of you, even if yours is a different "flavor" now
Shared interests outside of faith systems
Shared values
What you like about one another
How you complement one another
Your stengths as partners
3. Be honest about what you are each okay and not okay with moving forward
What you are okay with and not okay with will change based on where you are in your healing process, and it is important to allow for that. When you are very easily triggered and overwhelmed, you might need a very clear boundary of not talking about spiritual things with your partner. This is important because it allows you to build enough safety within yourself and your relationship so that you can have productive and connecting conversations about these things later.
It's so important in this process for each partner to do their own personal inner work to get to a place where conversations can happen in a safe (enough), empathetic, and respectful way for both people. Doing your own work will also help you each get to a place of understanding your own limitations that you can communicate with one another.
In my deconstruction process it became clear to me that I needed to separate myself from my partner’s fear of me “falling away”. I created clear emotional boundaries for myself that allowed me to listen to his process and feelings around my deconstruction while also not taking responsibility for the fear that belonged to him. I trusted that I needed to allow myself to be in process without fear motivating me in one way or another – I had already had enough of that in my faith community before I left. I found myself being very honest with my partner when he shared concerns that I felt like he was dealing with his own fear and that while I understood where that was coming from, it wasn’t something I could ease for him.
Examples of setting clear expectations might be:
I am okay with you praying at night but I'd prefer not to pray with you and would love to connect with you in a different way for now.
I am not okay with inviting our/your pastor to give me feedback about our relationship or my beliefs right now.
I will not be going to church with you because my body needs time to heal. I can't promise I'll go back, but I support you going without me.
I am okay to explore spirituality together through nature, poetry, and other art forms unrelated to (former belief system).
4. Give yourselves permission to grieve
Grief exists where you are adjusting to something no longer existing in your life. Regardless of how positive the change is for you, there can still be a sense of loss in the spaces that used to be filled with various aspects of a belief system. In a partnership, there can also be a shared grief as you adjust to a certain faith system no longer existing as a connecting point between you. Grief doesn’t have to signal that something is wrong… it might just be a message that something matters. It matters that something that used to be so foundational and such an integral part of your relationship looks different now. Grief honors the place of transition from one chapter of your relationship to the next. You can both look forward to the new possibilities in your partnership and mourn the loss of what it can no longer be.
5. Create a new “couple culture”
New rituals, rhythms, and creating or reworking a family mission statement can all be ways to create a new culture in your relationship. You can use your previous rituals and rhythms from your shared belief system as a jumping off point, or you can create something entirely new. If you used to read the Bible together, but that is no longer something one of you wants, try reading another kind of book together instead. Maybe instead of the Psalms you read poetry. Perhaps you choose to embrace playfulness and read some fun fiction out loud to each other. If singing and worshipping together was something meaningful in your relationship, find ways to introduce moving together (taking a dance class or dancing in the kitchen) or singing together (karaoke nights or singing with your kids before bed). An important thing for couples to commit to in this process, which could be reflected in a "mission statement" is working hard not to foster an "us versus them" mindset. This immediately puts both partners on the defense and neither will be able to show up authentically in the relationship.
An example of a mission statement around this might be:
"We commit to remaining a team, standing should to shoulder looking at what threatens to divide us rather than seeing each other as the problem we need to fix."
6. Seek non-biased support
We are not meant to navigate life on our own, even the life of our relationships. Sometimes relationships might need some additional support to navigate such a big shift. This can be tricky if your partner insists on seeking support only from someone within the belief system you have left or been wounded by. There can be a lot of fear for a person to ask for help outside of a religious community, especially if the community reinforces the idea that anyone outside of the community can't be trusted or will lead you astray. In this case, the non-deconstructing partner will set the tone for what is going to be possible in seeking support together. This absolutely does not mean you have to meet with someone who feels unsafe for you.
One form of "neutral" support might be inviting your partner to read a book that integrates mental health and spirituality, or that explains religious trauma in a way that can help each of you explore one another's perspective.
Another potential form of support might be a therapist, spiritual director, or coach who specializes in religious trauma and can help both partners feel seen and understood. It is important to seek support from someone who can commit to holding a non-judgmental, non-biased space for both partners and who can focus less on the belief differences and more on the process and relational dynamics happening as you work through those differences.
If it's just not possible for you and your partner to seek support together, consider seeking support individually with a professional, mentor, guide, etc. who has an understanding of family systems and religious trauma. Family systems are like baby mobiles. When one part changes, the entire system must shift in one way or another.
7. Decide whether the relationship can continue
Sometimes even if you want your relationship to work, faith shifts can cause fundamental differences that cannot be resolved. For example, if you used to have a strong moral belief around abortion being wrong and that has shifted while your partner still holds to that belief, that might be an irreconcilable difference causing you to go your separate ways. Many people in high control religions are pressured into marriage and are encouraged to ignore red flags for the sake of "refinement", "submission" and "sexual purity". As you question your belief system, you might uncover some really difficult truths about your experience that deserve to be considered.
For others, one partner's shift can be a beautiful opportunity for the couple to grow together, relearn one another, and practice a new way of being that enriches both partners. If a partnership is safe, it can be a great place to practice engaging in dialogue around difference.
Here are some prompts for further exploration in this process:
Do I want to be in this relationship?
What of my religious conditioning is factoring into my decision to stay in this partnership? Do I want that to factor into my decision?
Can I remain in this relationship and compromise for the health of the relationship, while still living in line with my core values?
Do I believe I have a choice to uncouple?
Is my autonomy valued within this partnership?
Are there things that would be deciding factors for me in either continuing or ending this partnership?
Deconstructing is a courageous process and I know the relational part of it can be so confusing, complex, and sometimes very lonely. Your process is so important, and you get to take all the time you need right where you are. Most importantly, you are the expert on your relationship and what is going to be best moving forward. No two relationships are alike and while we all need support, no one gets to choose for you whether your relationship continues.
If any of these things are stuck points for you, and/or you would like either individual or couples sessions to continue exploring in a safe space, feel free to reach out using the button below.
