Coming Out as Bisexual to My Husband (and Things to Consider if You’re in the Same Boat)
If you are looking for a therapist or coach who specializes in working with clients who have religious trauma and identify as LGBTQ+, be sure to check out the rest of our website, and contact us here to discuss whether we could be a good fit to work wih you.
When I was around 25, I was going through a process of deconstructing from conservative evangelical Christianity, and questioning… well… everything. One day as I was processing through things, I had a moment of finally admitting to myself that I’m bisexual. I’d known for a long time that I was attracted to girls, but I had always found ways of skirting around that fact- either minimizing it, thinking of it as a “sin/temptation”, or just otherwise convincing myself I was straight. In the moment where I first admitted it to myself, the first thing I did was walk through the house to find my husband. We got married when we were both 23, and our primary connection when we got married was our devotion to our faith and our desire for a Christ-centered life and marriage. Thankfully we’d been walking through deconstruction together, and I felt nervous but also comforted as I walked into our bedroom and found him. He looked up from his phone as I flopped down on our bed, and told him with tears in my eyes, “I’m not straight. I think I’m bisexual.” He responded with, “Well… yeah… I know that.” When my tears kept coming, he realized I was having a *moment* and let me know he was proud of me for claiming it and not trying to hide it from myself anymore. It’s been a few years since then, and I’ve been on a long journey with myself and what it means to fully accept and claim my sexual identity as a beautiful and important part of who I am. I’ve also had the honor of walking with others through their own process of reclaiming their full humanity and personhood in this way.
As I began sharing honestly about my own story, I was truly shocked by the number of friends and acquaintances who have the same story or one that’s very similar. Additionally, in my work as a therapist with clients who have experienced deconstruction, church hurt, and religious trauma, a huge percentage of them identify as queer- and for many of them no one in their lives will ever know because they’re already married or are in a straight-passing relationship. A lot of questions tend to follow. Should I still come out to my friends and family? Is it okay to claim a sexuality I’ve never had the chance to explore? And what if I DO want to explore it, but I’m already in a relationship? Oh and by the way, what do I do with this anger and grief towards everything I lost and repressed in order to belong… knowing I can never get that time back? While I won’t be able to address the fullness and depth of all those here, I hope to speak into a couple of them for those of you who have found yourself in this space.
Should I Come Out to Others if I’m Already in a Straight-Passing Relationship?
For me, it was meaningful and beautiful to first come out to myself. If you’ve been hiding from yourself, then coming to a place of acceptance and love for all of who you are can feel a lot like coming home. It was also meaningful for me to come out to my partner, who I knew would be fully accepting. If I hadn’t known what his response would be, I might have waited and first told someone I knew could celebrate with me. In those early, tender stages of coming home to yourself, it’s important to consider who can be a safe container for your feelings and fears. As with any “coming out” if you first share with someone who will respond with fear and judgment, that can crush the small seed of hope and self-acceptance that may be starting to find root. If it’s possible, be gentle towards yourself when it comes to deciding who to share with and when to share. As you feel stronger and more settled with you are, the opinions of others will matter less and less. You never “owe” it to anyone to share any sacred part of yourself that you don’t want to share. You’re not doing anything wrong by protecting yourself and maintaining privacy if that’s what you choose. You may have not had a choice in what you were taught about LGBTQ+ identities, but you can have control and choice now in how, when, and if you share your own process. If you DO decide to share more publicly, consider what you want this to look like. For me, it felt most natural to slowly start sharing, first with close friends who I knew would be accepting, and then slowly moving the circle further and further out until I felt comfortable sharing with basically anyone. I never publicly posted about it on social media (until now) but that’s an option that feels meaningful to many people as well.
While it may seem pointless to people in your life for you to come out if you’re not planning to be in a same-sex relationship, it can actually be very meaningful and freeing to speak the truth out loud and claim all of who you are. It may not be important to them for you to name it, but if it’s important to you, then it’s important. That being said, I’ve also worked with a handful of people who truly did not feel like they needed to put a name or label on their sexual identity and did not feel like it would be meaningful to share it with others. I want to also acknowledge and honor the spectrum of experience, knowing that for some people naming their sexual identity may not be a helpful or needed part of their healing.
Remember, too, that many people may be truly ignorant to what it means to be bisexual, queer, pansexual, poly, non-binary, etc. I shared with a friend once that I was bisexual, and she asked if that meant I was also dating girls- even though she knows I’m in a committed, monogamous marriage. I hope it goes without saying that your sexual identity does not necessarily mean anything about your sexual activity, choices, or level of monogamy. It may inform those choices, especially if you’re single or in a non-monogamous relationship, but that’s an entirely different conversation!
Naming Your Privilege
If you are in a heterosexual marriage or partnership, it can be helpful to name your privilege. When you’re straight-passing, you receive less judgment and discrimination than someone who’s more outwardly queer, and because of that you likely have more choice and freedom in how you move about the world. However, I think that guilt can lead some people to feel like they don’t have the right to include themselves as LGBTQ+ because they haven’t had to deal with some of the difficulty and discrimination that most LGBTQ+ people do. I want to validate that even if you never come out to anyone other than yourself, you still belong. You can still know that you are a part of a larger community, and have the same right as anyone else to name this part of yourself. That being said, those of us with more privilege in this area should consider how we can be good stewards of that privilege. Consider how you can advocate for the LGBTQ+ community in big or small ways.
Honoring Your Pain
There is a lot of pain in recognizing that you were not able to be who you really are. Many of us lost the opportunity to date who we wanted to, and missed out on a healthy experience with sexual development and identity formation because we had to hide and repress parts of self in order to be accepted in the church or family environments we were in. Our grief is not only valid, but a necessary part of healing. Naming what you lost, what you missed out on, and what your younger self needed can allow space for the grief to be acknowledged and felt. Additionally, our anger reminds us that something unfair and unjust has happened. Your full humanity was not accepted and celebrated but was instead used as a weapon of shame. If you have ever felt dirty, bad, or less than because of your sexual identity your anger is not only valid, but is needed. Tapping into that anger gives us energy to work towards change and to step vulnerably into difficult spaces where our voices need to be heard.
Considering What Else You Might Need
As you process the fullness of your who you are, and what you’ve missed out on, you may realize there are other things you need. Many clients I’ve worked with have brought up a desire to explore their sexuality, but feel stuck because they’re already in a committed relationship.
If you are already in a committed monogamous relationship, consider other ways of embracing your sexuality. You may even be able to include your partner as well. For example, being able to point out people you both find attractive while you’re out together, or being able to tell your partner about a same-sex crush you’ve had. You can also explore what having pride in your identity looks like. For example, putting a pride flag outside your home during Pride Month (or year-round!), or going to Pride events. I’ve also found that connecting to other people with a queer identity can be meaningful. Consider any friendships or connections you may have that you could strengthen or make a bigger part of your life. Support LGBTQ+ business, watch LGBTQ+ shows, and read LGBTQ+ books.
If you are interested in opening up your relationship in some way, and exploring ethical non-monogamy, consider what it is you’re hoping for and what the potential pitfalls could be. Many couples experience a lot of healing and connection through ENM, but it definitely requires a lot of healthy communication. Consider reading books like Designer Relationships to help you navigate what this could look like.
If the queer part of you has been repressed and shut down for a long time, it makes sense that it may now need extra attention and space in your life. It’s more than valid to explore how you can now honor and give space to that part of you.
Zooming Out
There are so many important conversations to be having around LGBTQ+ issues and the intersection of religious trauma and queerness. While this particular topic is only addressing a small piece of a much larger pie, I hope that it can be helpful and validating for those who have had a similar experience. If you have experienced hurt or trauma related to LGBTQ+ identity, we’d love to be a source of support, and would love to hear your experience so that we can learn and heal along with you.
