Navigating Porn and Masturbation After Deconstruction
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The topics of pornography and masturbation are often shrouded in secrecy, and if you are coming from a religious background, there can be additional layers of sexual shame that make it even harder to engage with. As I’ve worked with clients who have gone through a faith deconstruction, I see a genuine and beautiful desire to feel more free- including more freedom within one’s own sexuality. However, feelings of shame, uncertainty, insecurity, and fear stemming from what was taught about porn and masturbation in the church often create a “block” that make that freedom feel inaccessible. My hope is that by talking about these topics in nuanced ways, it can help provide ideas and insight for you to consider on your own journey to have a healthy relationship with these topics.
What We’re Taught
Within purity culture, teens are taught that masturbating is giving into lustful thoughts and feelings. Men and boys are expected to have sexual desire, but to “war against it” and attempt to avoid pornography and masturbation. Women and girls are often kept silent on these topics, with the assumption being that women don’t masturbate, leading to a lot of shame for those who do. When teens or even adults share that they struggle with stopping themselves from viewing pornography, there’s an assumption that they must be “addicted” to it. It’s commonly taught that viewing pornography or masturbating is cheating on your spouse, and some women are even told that if their partner views porn it means they “aren’t doing their job” to satisfy their husband’s needs, and that their husband will compare them to what they’re watching and be more likely to cheat.
These are incredibly important topics to deconstruct and to gain more education around, if only because they are such common experiences. Religion often speaks of these topics in black and white, as if there’s a clear right and wrong, but in reality there are many shades of gray and differing thoughts and opinions on how to navigate these topics. That being said, here are some thoughts for consideration as you navigate these topics for yourself --->
Masturbation
Masturbation is an incredibly normal, healthy part of sexuality. Kids will often begin exploring their bodies and what feels good at a young age, and some will discover the ability to masturbate. Others may not begin exploring or recognizing this until they’re older, either around puberty or at some point in adulthood. While religion often focuses on sex and sexuality as being between two people, healthy sexuality can also include your relationship to experiencing sexual pleasure on your own. Even for those who are partnered, continuing a personal exploration in this way is normal and common, and does not necessarily mean anything about the strength of the sexual connection within the partnership. Masturbation can help you experience pleasure, and can be fun. It can also help you learn more about your own body and help you connect to yourself. The idea that masturbation is inherently wrong or sinful feels particular cruel when we think about teens with a high sex drive who don’t feel ready or prepared to have sex with a partner, and then are filled with shame when they need an outlet for their sexual feelings. It also feels cruel when you consider that many women are unfamiliar with how to experience their own sexual pleasure, which not only keeps them from experiencing it on their own, but can also keep them from knowing how to communicate what they like and what feels good when they’re with a partner.
Consider: What is your relationship with masturbation? What were you taught about it, and what do you believe now? Have you felt the freedom to explore your own body in this way? If not, what still stops you? What benefits do you think you could gain from exploring in this way?
Pornography
Exploring attraction and desire through looking at images, watching movies or videos, or reading sexually explicit material is a normal part of human sexuality that has existed in different forms throughout history. There is nothing inherently wrong or unhealthy about exploring pornography in different forms. Some of the positives of being able to explore pornography as an adult are that it allows you to explore different types of sex, fantasy, etc. in a safe way without always having to bring another person into it. It also can provide a sexual release for those without a partner, or in times when your partner is not able or interested in being included.
Of course, pornography also comes with risks. It can be harmful to developing brains, and it’s important that we find ways to protect children and teens from having access to pornography. While it’s normal and healthy for kids to be curious about sex, porn is often too much too soon, and can be overwhelming and lead to unhealthy views of sex and sexuality. Psychoeducation around this can be helpful in keeping kids and safe, and helping them understand what to do if they come across porn on their own.
Like alcohol use or other dopamine-enhancing experiences, pornography runs the risk of become an addiction or a way to numb and avoid emotions. It’s important to contextualize this and recognize that just because it has the possibility to become addictive doesn’t mean it’s inherently wrong to experience. However, being aware of this possibility can allow us to check in with ourselves and notice how we’re using it. In religious spaces, people often believe they’re addicted because “they can’t stop themselves.” However, this is often part of a shame cycle where the person tries to repress their needs and desires, eventually turns to something to relieve the buildup of pressure, and then inevitably feels shame, and doubles down on the need to repress themselves again. When something is “off limits” and filled with shame, we tend to think about it even more and feel more drawn to it. Once there’s permission and freedom from shame, porn often becomes less of a draw and there can be more balance achieved.
Other things to consider are the potential for escalation and desensitization, as well as ethical risks. Like with anything, the more you view pornography, often the more you become desensitized to aspects of it. Some people will seek out more intense or taboo topics as they search for novelty. It’s normal to be curious, but can be helpful to also recognize if you’re someone who may need to limit pornography for these reasons. It’s also common for some porn sites to include porn that wasn’t made ethically, either due to the actors feeling coerced in some way, or not agreeing to their content being posted. These are very valid concerns, and should be taken seriously. There are now many newer sites that have commitments to make ethical pornography, pay their actors well, create safety on set, and focus on more equal pleasure between genders. A quick online search can give insight into what sites are trying to better follow these ethical guidelines. Some people may choose that viewing pornography does not align with their ethics or morals for some of these reasons, and that’s also perfectly okay. It’s good for us to all explore our own ethical boundaries and to find that line for ourselves.
Consider: What is your relationship to pornography? What were you taught about it, and what do you believe now? What are the pros and cons to pornography for yourself, and what do you think balance looks like for you?
Within Partnerships
Another question people often come with is how to navigate masturbation and pornography within partnerships. Within every relationship, it’s important to consider each person’s individual relationship with their own sexuality, and then the sexual relationship that’s experienced together. Pornography and masturbation are often ways people explore their individual sexuality, which they may incorporate into their partnership, or may keep private. Where this often becomes complicated is when each person has differing opinions on what the boundaries should be around these things in a relationship. At the end of the day, every couple gets to define for themselves what they feel comfortable with, what their lines and boundaries are, and what they want to be shared versus kept private. It can be helpful to have open conversations, to notice what comes up for you around these topics, and to consider what it looks like to allow freedom and autonomy for your partner, while also honoring your own needs and limits. “Cheating” in relation to porn is not black-and-white and every couple will likely come to a different conclusion on what their lines are. For example, many people are okay with their partner occasionally viewing some form of pornography, but would draw a line at their partner following or chatting with an adult content creator. If each person in the partnership can’t come to an agreement that feels good for them, it can be helpful to meet with a couples therapist or sex therapist to help support you as you navigate it together.
Consider: What were taught about porn and masturbation in the context of a relationship? What boundaries do you feel like you need in your relationship to both allow for freedom and autonomy, but still feel safe and respected?
A New Way
For many people coming out of faith contexts, it can be difficult for there to not be a clear right and wrong, and to instead stay in the gray. Even though rules can be restrictive, they can also make it feel easier to know what framework to follow or what justifications to give for how you feel. If you’re working to deconstruct these topics, it can be helpful to remember that you get the chance now to define your own values and explore what feels best and healthiest for you. It can be an opportunity to get to know yourself more deeply, to take risks, and to advocate for what you need.
Further resources:
Erica Smith’s webinars and workbooks
